Flying Along

how things progress
but they never change
how i ride these waves of memory that never regress
how they haunt me
along with the motion sickness they instill
i wont hide in a boat
or settle amongst the safety net
i will swim, persevere, press on
taking the waves on like each rising sun
"Questions i cant seem to find
to the answers i already have"
coming into my own
"Flying along".

strength i admire in myself
and pride i do not
prevent me from suffering careless feelings
but stone rises higher than my heart
there is a door,
but its locked
have to have faith that more than one key was cut
looking back
at the coast left behind
at the distance travelled
and then ahead
Flying Along,
i feel like i finally belong.

The Mirror

The Mirror.
We use it to inspect things we cannot see ourselves.
What do you see when you look? I mean really look. This isn’t one of those “Do you like what you see?” kinds of things… but what do you really see? Can you look beyond the posture, definition and stature of a body and the splendor, softness and charm of a face? You look with your eyes but do you see? I just spent a fair amount of time looking, seeking, and searching in the mirror. Who is that? I stand there with my hair in a pony tail, white tank top and jeans. I see that. My face turns to an expression of confusion and my eyes mimic the expression of my face. I see that. But, who is she? This girl that stands before me: Where did she come from? How did she get here? I begin to think back to the defining moments of my life that play a part in who I am. The picture gets a bit clearer, but the mirror is still foggy.
Why hasn’t someone invented an internal mirror to look within?
If only it were that easy. A simple glance in the mirror would reveal the hidden pieces of our hearts, the secret imperfections within. But mirrors don’t work like that. They reveal the superficial flaws of life; the spinach in our teeth, the speck on our face, the kink in our hair. We are on our own to figure out the flaws within. I’ve stumbled upon a few: my indecisiveness, my inability to always act on what’s right, the way I don’t push myself to my full ability. Sometimes our flaws are pointed out by others, sometimes they are revealed through hours of solitude and introspect, sometimes through our trials and failures.
Whichever way they are revealed, they display character. And whatever way we choose to deal with them is the ultimate depiction of that character.
So mirrors can’t always reveal our weaknesses but can they illustrate our strengths? I believe so. The mirror can show me confidence, it can show me substance, and it can show me strength.
So why should a mirror reveal the positives without the negatives? Humans, the social beings that we are, sometimes refuse to portray the negatives, the flaws, the imperfections.
We only want to display the positives therefore we expose them on the outside, confining the flaws within in hopes of being liked or accepted.
Here is a test of character: let your flaws out… lay them out before you and look at the beauty in each one; how each contributes to the uniqueness of you. Do this to let people see them in plain sight but most importantly so you can really see them.
Then, the mirror should reveal all, the picture should be clear, the fog will be removed The mirror should then portray a perfect depiction of you: not only the superficial pros and cons of appearance, but the strengths and weaknesses that make you who you are.

Dark Blue

I feel weird right now… discontented… “there’s nothing but dark blue”, I cant place the feeling, it’s direction, or destination. I’m seeking an escape… what am I running from? “This flood is slowly rising up, swallowing the ground, beneath my feet”. Don’t I know better? “There is nothing we could do – it was dark blue.” All I feel is this feeling of uneasiness. “Tell me how anyone thinks under this condition.” I am in hiding, but why? I don’t understand that part of my carelessness. Revealing myself only brings me into the light, yet I continue to turn my face. “If you’ve ever been alone… you’ll know.” It’s hard to beat, hard to defeat. “What did you possibly expect under this condition?” As strong as I make myself out to be - on my own strength I am useless. I rush and search to find perfection for my life “And now all I can see are the planets in a row suggesting its best that I slow down.” ……. Just stop and watch the sky “this night’s a perfect shade of dark blue”.

-"Dark Blue" By Jack's Mannequin

Happiness

Happiness comes when you are anything but chasing it, and everyone desires it so. Have you ever met anyone who did not want to be happy? It is perhaps because of this desire that makes the quest for happiness so insatiable. After about a month of awful, unknown misery, I feel I’ve gained a bit of myself again. I can smile for no reason, I laugh at sporadic, simple things that I find funny.

There is no greater feeling of accomplishment than when one finds happiness on account of themselves. Not through a significant other, not through a streak of unhealthy decisions, but a mere contentment with their place in life. I have finally reached a point where a part of my life seems to be unfolding slowly before my eyes. I am so excited about the things I have coming in my near future that I can’t help but be happy and thankful for the many blessings I have received.

I had wished to be given a path that I could be consumed by; something that would give me such satisfaction, something that would enthrall me completely. I believe I have set my foot on that path, but like the weather on a beautiful day, there are always daunting clouds somewhere in the distance. Besides, it would only be too perfect to be without obstacles on my seemingly pristine pathway.

Nonetheless what would life be without those clouds to instigate motivation? It is that daunting threat that gives you the initiative to get all your fun and festivities in before the threat of the clouds begins to approach. Unlike the obstacles of life, we are able to somewhat prepare for the unpredictability of weather. We can pack an umbrella around all year round but there is no way of obtaining the tools needed to overcome the obstacles prior to when the obstacles hit. This is most likely because we are given the tools right when we need them most, and not only are they supplied for us, we also are given the knowledge of how to use them.

On a final note, how would one declare happiness unless they had known the feeling of being without? There must exist an alternate, converse feeling to happiness that allows for the full appreciation of feelings that happiness brings. In my opinion, life envelopes a rhythm, a series of ups and downs, crests and troughs that enable you to see that once you’re really down, an upward slope is on its way. It is so that perhaps the never-ending desires for happiness are insatiable, but if we place our desires in things that are sure to bring happiness, a crest is sure to come soon.

"So I stand at these crossroads of highroads and low roads and I got a feeling its right"

A blank page

A clean slate

The roads are laid out

But which to take?

I just want to choose one

To embark, to set out

For that road to consume me

Engulf me, absorb me,

Me and my every emotion

Take me as a whole

With all my shortcomings

And all I have to give

It doesn’t have to be easy

Challenges are lessons

I just want to know

The minute I step foot

On its rocky inception

That its right for me

My Niche

***Your Birthdate: May 11***

Spiritual and thoughtful, you tend to take a step back from the world.
You're very sensitive to what's going on around you, yet you remain calm.
Although you are brilliant, it may take you a while to find your niche.
Your creativity is supreme, but it sometimes makes it hard for you to get things done.

Niche – (noun, adjective, verb) 1. A place or position suitable or appropriate for a person or thing, 2. The position or function of an organism in a community.

At what point in life are we supposed to find our “niche”? Is there only one niche for everyone and they are constantly wandering until they find it? Or do we have a niche for each time period of our lives? What if being a lonely wanderer is my niche for the moment, what if wandering is appropriate for me at this time even though it doesn’t bring me a lot of joy? If I float for long enough I have to eventually land somewhere, right? I am a believer that everything happens for a reason, so that should mean that wherever I happen to be floating at any given time is where I am supposed to be. Well it doesn’t feel like it sometimes. There are always the times when one feels out of place and disarranged, like when a strong wind blows a flying insect to somewhere that might not have been their destination. They don’t cry and whine and wonder “why me?”(although, perhaps if they had bigger, functioning brains they might) , they simply find the resources they need around them and develop a new niche, wherever that may be. Perhaps we could learn a thing or two from insects?

It’s been a long day, even though it’s only 3:30, with the miserable, wet, slushy weather. I look, in hope, to my near future when I will be heading to Panama and I realize that my niche of wandering might be more so one of waiting. So for now I wait until the wind blows me somewhere warmer.

When the going gets tough..

Well life isn’t at its all time high right now. I don’t have all that much to complain about yet I can’t seem to raise my spirits and I just cant figure out why. I lost much of my freedom as of late when my car broke down - Ruby whom I love and adore. I am now adapting to the public transportation lifestyle which is completely awful. It is huge to not be able to go where I want when I want and not only do I have to follow someone else’s schedule for when I want to go somewhere but I also have to do so while sometimes crammed up against many other people. All the while I’m trying desperately not to knock them out with my bag or to step on their children when the inertia from my body causes me to fly this way and that with every halt and lurch of the bus. Yes I have to stand, and did I mention its 7:13 in the morning?? Err.

Ok, so I’m bitter. So what can I do? Sure, I can complain about it till the end of time, but then I wonder what my fellow passengers would think if they were to hear me complaining this way. I doubt I would receive any pity from them. Life isn’t always about getting what you want, or getting to go where you want when you want. It’s about the path you take to get there, wherever you do end up, and the attitude you upheld along the way. It’s about looking at what you still have despite what’s been taken away. I may not have a car but I have working legs that get me to the bus stop where a bus takes me to school, where I learn how to be a psychologist. What better place to watch people then when you are surrounded by them on a bus? Does that sound creepy? Nonetheless, the life lesson here is that life doesn’t end because of something trivial like having to take the bus. There is so much more to focus on. And I’m sure there will be many more devastating occurrences like this one in the course of my lifetime (ok maybe this one is not so devastating) and I will be ready to take them head on, you know why? Because I learned to take the bus.