to betroth or not to betroth....

I have decided to give up my subconscious search for a prospective husband and agree to an arranged marriage. Well... perhaps I won’t go that far, but after thoughtful contemplation of theories and information learned in my relationships class concerning arranged marriages lately, I am beginning to think that the negative stigma such marriages have received in our society is falsely attributed. These cultures that have arranged marriages view our pathway to marriage as an impractical game or an unnecessary burden. We live in a society that has just recently begun viewing romance and passion as a condition to marriage, and it has only been a developing theme over the past 30-40 years. In history, people married for various other reasons such as economic, political, practical and family reasons, not because they were in love with each other. So what is it about these past 40 years that such a common view has been weaved throughout our society when it comes to choosing a life partner? Why do we base this decision on a fleeting passionate love? It has been proven through countless research that these “strong” passionate feelings do not last and decrease over time. Perhaps we should take another look at the value we place in this Hollywood view we seem to have of love and marriage, I mean, is it really practical to place our future happiness in the hands of a feeling that has no hold?
So perhaps I have been looking at this all wrong… I have been wandering around (indirectly) looking for my “soulmate”, the one that makes my heart skip a beat and all that cliché garbage. Sure, it feels nice at the time but perhaps I should be approaching this “search” that I am on in a more practical manner. Are my only options to start my marriage off with an empty love, short of intimacy and passion, and simply wait for the passion to build over time or to start with an intensely passionate and intimate relationship and wait for it to hollow out and become empty? If so, that’s an unfortunate decision placed in front of me.
I think that growing up in this love-crazed society has caused us all to go into relationships and even get married purely based on this romantic passionate love that we all long for so much. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing I just think that a lot of people don’t expect these feelings to diminish and when they do they feel there is nothing they can do to get the “magic” back and decide to get divorced and thus go find someone who can ignite these intense feelings of passion once again. It isn’t enough to say that people don’t work hard enough on their marriages before permitting them to fail, but perhaps everyone should receive some kind of warning prior to marriage: Your passionate I-can’t-live-without-you love will not last, but if you work hard enough at your marriage from the beginning in full preparation for the day that you aren’t as passionately aroused by your partner as you once were… then maybe marriage isn’t as hopeless as we all think… Hmm, no, let’s be serious, people are stubborn and ridiculous and will probably forever hold on to the idea that love conquers all. I, however, have taken on a new view of relationships from this class slash thought process, and put thought into how much value I place in finding that all- consuming love once again. I had never considered myself much of a practical person before but perhaps its time for some change…

take me away - to better days

I have hit a stall in my direction. Where am I going? What am I doing with my life? It all hit me today as I followed along the hallway after a dreadful exam in which I have no expectations of doing well on. As I walked with my head down, in sad somber frustration never straying from the constant rows of squarely placed tiles, I wondered if this is it. Do I just continue to follow the path I am on, without looking up? Where does it lead? Does it matter? It’s not that I am unhappy with the path that I am on, but does it ultimately bring me anywhere near where I want to end up? I am beginning to grow restless in my current conditions, they feel stagnant and monotonous… isn’t there something else I can be doing? Isn’t there something more inspiring, something more rewarding, something more challenging? It’s amazing to think that two years ago I couldn’t picture myself anywhere else but in school, and now I feel like I could be doing so many more productive things than school. Why this sudden change of motive? Perhaps because I suddenly came to the realization that despite the fact if I finish my degree or not, I am left without a career direction... I just want to GO, yet I feel like so many things hold me back, including my own inhibition. I want to go “to the desperate eyes and reaching hands, to the suffering and the lame, to the ones the world has cast aside” I will go – send me. I want my life to be used for change, I want there to be more than just this… I refuse to settle for less than anything I can see myself obtaining. So many obstacles… I just need to make my way back to my source of strength… and then, nothing is impossible…

Flying Along

how things progress
but they never change
how i ride these waves of memory that never regress
how they haunt me
along with the motion sickness they instill
i wont hide in a boat
or settle amongst the safety net
i will swim, persevere, press on
taking the waves on like each rising sun
"Questions i cant seem to find
to the answers i already have"
coming into my own
"Flying along".

strength i admire in myself
and pride i do not
prevent me from suffering careless feelings
but stone rises higher than my heart
there is a door,
but its locked
have to have faith that more than one key was cut
looking back
at the coast left behind
at the distance travelled
and then ahead
Flying Along,
i feel like i finally belong.

The Mirror

The Mirror.
We use it to inspect things we cannot see ourselves.
What do you see when you look? I mean really look. This isn’t one of those “Do you like what you see?” kinds of things… but what do you really see? Can you look beyond the posture, definition and stature of a body and the splendor, softness and charm of a face? You look with your eyes but do you see? I just spent a fair amount of time looking, seeking, and searching in the mirror. Who is that? I stand there with my hair in a pony tail, white tank top and jeans. I see that. My face turns to an expression of confusion and my eyes mimic the expression of my face. I see that. But, who is she? This girl that stands before me: Where did she come from? How did she get here? I begin to think back to the defining moments of my life that play a part in who I am. The picture gets a bit clearer, but the mirror is still foggy.
Why hasn’t someone invented an internal mirror to look within?
If only it were that easy. A simple glance in the mirror would reveal the hidden pieces of our hearts, the secret imperfections within. But mirrors don’t work like that. They reveal the superficial flaws of life; the spinach in our teeth, the speck on our face, the kink in our hair. We are on our own to figure out the flaws within. I’ve stumbled upon a few: my indecisiveness, my inability to always act on what’s right, the way I don’t push myself to my full ability. Sometimes our flaws are pointed out by others, sometimes they are revealed through hours of solitude and introspect, sometimes through our trials and failures.
Whichever way they are revealed, they display character. And whatever way we choose to deal with them is the ultimate depiction of that character.
So mirrors can’t always reveal our weaknesses but can they illustrate our strengths? I believe so. The mirror can show me confidence, it can show me substance, and it can show me strength.
So why should a mirror reveal the positives without the negatives? Humans, the social beings that we are, sometimes refuse to portray the negatives, the flaws, the imperfections.
We only want to display the positives therefore we expose them on the outside, confining the flaws within in hopes of being liked or accepted.
Here is a test of character: let your flaws out… lay them out before you and look at the beauty in each one; how each contributes to the uniqueness of you. Do this to let people see them in plain sight but most importantly so you can really see them.
Then, the mirror should reveal all, the picture should be clear, the fog will be removed The mirror should then portray a perfect depiction of you: not only the superficial pros and cons of appearance, but the strengths and weaknesses that make you who you are.

Dark Blue

I feel weird right now… discontented… “there’s nothing but dark blue”, I cant place the feeling, it’s direction, or destination. I’m seeking an escape… what am I running from? “This flood is slowly rising up, swallowing the ground, beneath my feet”. Don’t I know better? “There is nothing we could do – it was dark blue.” All I feel is this feeling of uneasiness. “Tell me how anyone thinks under this condition.” I am in hiding, but why? I don’t understand that part of my carelessness. Revealing myself only brings me into the light, yet I continue to turn my face. “If you’ve ever been alone… you’ll know.” It’s hard to beat, hard to defeat. “What did you possibly expect under this condition?” As strong as I make myself out to be - on my own strength I am useless. I rush and search to find perfection for my life “And now all I can see are the planets in a row suggesting its best that I slow down.” ……. Just stop and watch the sky “this night’s a perfect shade of dark blue”.

-"Dark Blue" By Jack's Mannequin

Happiness

Happiness comes when you are anything but chasing it, and everyone desires it so. Have you ever met anyone who did not want to be happy? It is perhaps because of this desire that makes the quest for happiness so insatiable. After about a month of awful, unknown misery, I feel I’ve gained a bit of myself again. I can smile for no reason, I laugh at sporadic, simple things that I find funny.

There is no greater feeling of accomplishment than when one finds happiness on account of themselves. Not through a significant other, not through a streak of unhealthy decisions, but a mere contentment with their place in life. I have finally reached a point where a part of my life seems to be unfolding slowly before my eyes. I am so excited about the things I have coming in my near future that I can’t help but be happy and thankful for the many blessings I have received.

I had wished to be given a path that I could be consumed by; something that would give me such satisfaction, something that would enthrall me completely. I believe I have set my foot on that path, but like the weather on a beautiful day, there are always daunting clouds somewhere in the distance. Besides, it would only be too perfect to be without obstacles on my seemingly pristine pathway.

Nonetheless what would life be without those clouds to instigate motivation? It is that daunting threat that gives you the initiative to get all your fun and festivities in before the threat of the clouds begins to approach. Unlike the obstacles of life, we are able to somewhat prepare for the unpredictability of weather. We can pack an umbrella around all year round but there is no way of obtaining the tools needed to overcome the obstacles prior to when the obstacles hit. This is most likely because we are given the tools right when we need them most, and not only are they supplied for us, we also are given the knowledge of how to use them.

On a final note, how would one declare happiness unless they had known the feeling of being without? There must exist an alternate, converse feeling to happiness that allows for the full appreciation of feelings that happiness brings. In my opinion, life envelopes a rhythm, a series of ups and downs, crests and troughs that enable you to see that once you’re really down, an upward slope is on its way. It is so that perhaps the never-ending desires for happiness are insatiable, but if we place our desires in things that are sure to bring happiness, a crest is sure to come soon.

"So I stand at these crossroads of highroads and low roads and I got a feeling its right"

A blank page

A clean slate

The roads are laid out

But which to take?

I just want to choose one

To embark, to set out

For that road to consume me

Engulf me, absorb me,

Me and my every emotion

Take me as a whole

With all my shortcomings

And all I have to give

It doesn’t have to be easy

Challenges are lessons

I just want to know

The minute I step foot

On its rocky inception

That its right for me