show me what i'm looking for...

"The strength of the heart comes from the soundness of the faith" Saudi Arabian Proverb

“Save me, I’m lost”. Lately I feel like I jostle a lot between being lost and oblivious or well-planned and deliberate. I feel like I am heading in the right direction with this trip, with my life… but there is always doubt of whether or not I am making the best decisions for myself. “Show me what I’m looking for”. I thought of the perfect analogy for this as I navigated myself out of Edmonton today without getting lost for the first time: You are on an unfamiliar road and beginning to feel lost… you have gone too far to turn around now and the fear is beginning to rise, panic threatening your every sense. You look around helplessly for any indication of where you might have gone wrong… did you miss your turn? Offering up a prayer and searching the roadside for any indication that you are, in fact, heading in the right direction, your eyes finally fall upon a sign and relief sweeps through you as you realize that you haven’t missed your turn – you are exactly where you are supposed to be. “Oh Lord, I’ve been waiting for you” You smile, despite yourself, that you have found your way… I think we all end up at this place at one point or another. Where we constantly seek affirmations that we are on the right path, or even heading in the right direction… I have been battling that so much with this trip. I was so confident and when the panic began to rise a large part of me refused to turn back because I had already gone too far; a U-turn was out of the question at that point. “Don’t let go, I’ve wanted this far too long” so I kept on down this road… and I believe I have received many affirmations that I am heading in the right direction, yet I still seek with panic stricken eyes. “Mistakes become regrets”… this may explain why I seek, every part of me wants to believe that this trip will not be a mistake that I come to regret, that it will be a truly worthwhile experience. And I think that a large part of me does believe this but there is still the doubt. If I were to guess I would say the doubt is a result of my lack of faith. “I’ll pay any cost, just save me from being confused”. I just need to be willing to pay the “cost” of strengthening my faith so as to lessen the doubt and confusion. Sounds easy right?

-"Show me what i'm looking for" by Carolina Liar

we know its better this way

Leave it to the night
For the waves to start again
Leave it to the night
For the thoughts to invade my head
For the evening I’ve been fine
Thinking I handled well
Leave it to the night
To tell me I was wrong
Leave it to the night
To tell me what I should have said or done
A brief moment’s glance
Nervous laughter, and then it was gone
Leave it to the night
To remind me of all the things I wanted to say
But, in that fleeting moment, where were they?

resolution

Life does not capture things as vividly as I see them. The color, sharpness and luster of situations are lost in the calamity of life’s harsh reality. Instead, it comes across as looking bleak, dark and grey. Perhaps my acuity for detail is too fine in such a world where mundane details are overlooked. People skim over the understated details of life everyday, whereas I seem to dwell, constantly re-evaluating…Too much time is spent dwelling on those details that I have no control over, which inevitably causes me more pain than necessary. Control the things you can, forget the rest…“There’s a lot that I don’t know, there’s a lot that I’m still learning.” What I need to learn at this place and time is that all this anger and resentment is simply not useful. But how does one rid of something so consuming? With a simple turn of the cheek? A wave of the hand? “When I think I’m letting go, I find my body, it’s still burning” People say just ‘let it go, forget about it’ but, how do we just ‘let go’? Is there some internal ‘release’ button that I am unaware of? “And you hold me down, and you got me living in the past” I feel like I am being pinned down in this place where I’ve made this mess until I have learned my lesson. Perhaps because half of the anger I hold within me is with myself, myself and I need to battle it out before this process of ‘letting go’ can begin. However, this battle has already been going on for a while… I need to be forgiven and forgive myself and then progress can be made. “I’m alive, but I don’t need a witness to know that I survived.” All things considered, it’s not the end of the world. Life goes on. Right now I am half-bathed in light but the cold is creeping in. I need the light, I am lost without. “I just need light, a light in the dark as I search for a resolution”…

-"Resolution" by Jack's Mannequin

to betroth or not to betroth....

I have decided to give up my subconscious search for a prospective husband and agree to an arranged marriage. Well... perhaps I won’t go that far, but after thoughtful contemplation of theories and information learned in my relationships class concerning arranged marriages lately, I am beginning to think that the negative stigma such marriages have received in our society is falsely attributed. These cultures that have arranged marriages view our pathway to marriage as an impractical game or an unnecessary burden. We live in a society that has just recently begun viewing romance and passion as a condition to marriage, and it has only been a developing theme over the past 30-40 years. In history, people married for various other reasons such as economic, political, practical and family reasons, not because they were in love with each other. So what is it about these past 40 years that such a common view has been weaved throughout our society when it comes to choosing a life partner? Why do we base this decision on a fleeting passionate love? It has been proven through countless research that these “strong” passionate feelings do not last and decrease over time. Perhaps we should take another look at the value we place in this Hollywood view we seem to have of love and marriage, I mean, is it really practical to place our future happiness in the hands of a feeling that has no hold?
So perhaps I have been looking at this all wrong… I have been wandering around (indirectly) looking for my “soulmate”, the one that makes my heart skip a beat and all that cliché garbage. Sure, it feels nice at the time but perhaps I should be approaching this “search” that I am on in a more practical manner. Are my only options to start my marriage off with an empty love, short of intimacy and passion, and simply wait for the passion to build over time or to start with an intensely passionate and intimate relationship and wait for it to hollow out and become empty? If so, that’s an unfortunate decision placed in front of me.
I think that growing up in this love-crazed society has caused us all to go into relationships and even get married purely based on this romantic passionate love that we all long for so much. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing I just think that a lot of people don’t expect these feelings to diminish and when they do they feel there is nothing they can do to get the “magic” back and decide to get divorced and thus go find someone who can ignite these intense feelings of passion once again. It isn’t enough to say that people don’t work hard enough on their marriages before permitting them to fail, but perhaps everyone should receive some kind of warning prior to marriage: Your passionate I-can’t-live-without-you love will not last, but if you work hard enough at your marriage from the beginning in full preparation for the day that you aren’t as passionately aroused by your partner as you once were… then maybe marriage isn’t as hopeless as we all think… Hmm, no, let’s be serious, people are stubborn and ridiculous and will probably forever hold on to the idea that love conquers all. I, however, have taken on a new view of relationships from this class slash thought process, and put thought into how much value I place in finding that all- consuming love once again. I had never considered myself much of a practical person before but perhaps its time for some change…

take me away - to better days

I have hit a stall in my direction. Where am I going? What am I doing with my life? It all hit me today as I followed along the hallway after a dreadful exam in which I have no expectations of doing well on. As I walked with my head down, in sad somber frustration never straying from the constant rows of squarely placed tiles, I wondered if this is it. Do I just continue to follow the path I am on, without looking up? Where does it lead? Does it matter? It’s not that I am unhappy with the path that I am on, but does it ultimately bring me anywhere near where I want to end up? I am beginning to grow restless in my current conditions, they feel stagnant and monotonous… isn’t there something else I can be doing? Isn’t there something more inspiring, something more rewarding, something more challenging? It’s amazing to think that two years ago I couldn’t picture myself anywhere else but in school, and now I feel like I could be doing so many more productive things than school. Why this sudden change of motive? Perhaps because I suddenly came to the realization that despite the fact if I finish my degree or not, I am left without a career direction... I just want to GO, yet I feel like so many things hold me back, including my own inhibition. I want to go “to the desperate eyes and reaching hands, to the suffering and the lame, to the ones the world has cast aside” I will go – send me. I want my life to be used for change, I want there to be more than just this… I refuse to settle for less than anything I can see myself obtaining. So many obstacles… I just need to make my way back to my source of strength… and then, nothing is impossible…

Flying Along

how things progress
but they never change
how i ride these waves of memory that never regress
how they haunt me
along with the motion sickness they instill
i wont hide in a boat
or settle amongst the safety net
i will swim, persevere, press on
taking the waves on like each rising sun
"Questions i cant seem to find
to the answers i already have"
coming into my own
"Flying along".

strength i admire in myself
and pride i do not
prevent me from suffering careless feelings
but stone rises higher than my heart
there is a door,
but its locked
have to have faith that more than one key was cut
looking back
at the coast left behind
at the distance travelled
and then ahead
Flying Along,
i feel like i finally belong.

The Mirror

The Mirror.
We use it to inspect things we cannot see ourselves.
What do you see when you look? I mean really look. This isn’t one of those “Do you like what you see?” kinds of things… but what do you really see? Can you look beyond the posture, definition and stature of a body and the splendor, softness and charm of a face? You look with your eyes but do you see? I just spent a fair amount of time looking, seeking, and searching in the mirror. Who is that? I stand there with my hair in a pony tail, white tank top and jeans. I see that. My face turns to an expression of confusion and my eyes mimic the expression of my face. I see that. But, who is she? This girl that stands before me: Where did she come from? How did she get here? I begin to think back to the defining moments of my life that play a part in who I am. The picture gets a bit clearer, but the mirror is still foggy.
Why hasn’t someone invented an internal mirror to look within?
If only it were that easy. A simple glance in the mirror would reveal the hidden pieces of our hearts, the secret imperfections within. But mirrors don’t work like that. They reveal the superficial flaws of life; the spinach in our teeth, the speck on our face, the kink in our hair. We are on our own to figure out the flaws within. I’ve stumbled upon a few: my indecisiveness, my inability to always act on what’s right, the way I don’t push myself to my full ability. Sometimes our flaws are pointed out by others, sometimes they are revealed through hours of solitude and introspect, sometimes through our trials and failures.
Whichever way they are revealed, they display character. And whatever way we choose to deal with them is the ultimate depiction of that character.
So mirrors can’t always reveal our weaknesses but can they illustrate our strengths? I believe so. The mirror can show me confidence, it can show me substance, and it can show me strength.
So why should a mirror reveal the positives without the negatives? Humans, the social beings that we are, sometimes refuse to portray the negatives, the flaws, the imperfections.
We only want to display the positives therefore we expose them on the outside, confining the flaws within in hopes of being liked or accepted.
Here is a test of character: let your flaws out… lay them out before you and look at the beauty in each one; how each contributes to the uniqueness of you. Do this to let people see them in plain sight but most importantly so you can really see them.
Then, the mirror should reveal all, the picture should be clear, the fog will be removed The mirror should then portray a perfect depiction of you: not only the superficial pros and cons of appearance, but the strengths and weaknesses that make you who you are.