ode to mom~

I assume that every mother instills some form of lifelong aspirations upon her daughter, whether intentional or not. I can try to imagine that moment (and I say try because that moment feels as far away as my own birth) where upon looking at your new born child with a new found adoration, you feel that you could – and direly want to- mold their future right in front of you. You create a future brighter than your past, a future free of the things you had face, to endure. I feel my mother’s ordained future heavy upon me but not in a way that makes me feel like I am living a dream that belongs to her. It is more so that I am aware of the things she had long hoped for me and I merely embraced them. I recall at an early age, of her telling others I was going to university and I could picture myself there, in whatever mental scheme of “university” I was able to produce at the time. I still hear her almost pleading with me, during the many disputes of the wonderfully tumultuous time that is adolescence, to be confident - something she never was – and chastising me whenever I was a follower. She would then reminisce about when she had me; how she wanted me to grow to be an independent, strong, poised woman with her own ideas. This all sounds very palpable … but it is in knowing the insecurities of her past that I am able to see the sincerity of her hopes. I think of these things often and they have become no less a part of me than the blood in my veins. Minding her hopes has become a means of keeping myself accountable, and that in itself has evolved into the desire to continuously make her proud.