Dark Blue

I feel weird right now… discontented… “there’s nothing but dark blue”, I cant place the feeling, it’s direction, or destination. I’m seeking an escape… what am I running from? “This flood is slowly rising up, swallowing the ground, beneath my feet”. Don’t I know better? “There is nothing we could do – it was dark blue.” All I feel is this feeling of uneasiness. “Tell me how anyone thinks under this condition.” I am in hiding, but why? I don’t understand that part of my carelessness. Revealing myself only brings me into the light, yet I continue to turn my face. “If you’ve ever been alone… you’ll know.” It’s hard to beat, hard to defeat. “What did you possibly expect under this condition?” As strong as I make myself out to be - on my own strength I am useless. I rush and search to find perfection for my life “And now all I can see are the planets in a row suggesting its best that I slow down.” ……. Just stop and watch the sky “this night’s a perfect shade of dark blue”.

-"Dark Blue" By Jack's Mannequin

Happiness

Happiness comes when you are anything but chasing it, and everyone desires it so. Have you ever met anyone who did not want to be happy? It is perhaps because of this desire that makes the quest for happiness so insatiable. After about a month of awful, unknown misery, I feel I’ve gained a bit of myself again. I can smile for no reason, I laugh at sporadic, simple things that I find funny.

There is no greater feeling of accomplishment than when one finds happiness on account of themselves. Not through a significant other, not through a streak of unhealthy decisions, but a mere contentment with their place in life. I have finally reached a point where a part of my life seems to be unfolding slowly before my eyes. I am so excited about the things I have coming in my near future that I can’t help but be happy and thankful for the many blessings I have received.

I had wished to be given a path that I could be consumed by; something that would give me such satisfaction, something that would enthrall me completely. I believe I have set my foot on that path, but like the weather on a beautiful day, there are always daunting clouds somewhere in the distance. Besides, it would only be too perfect to be without obstacles on my seemingly pristine pathway.

Nonetheless what would life be without those clouds to instigate motivation? It is that daunting threat that gives you the initiative to get all your fun and festivities in before the threat of the clouds begins to approach. Unlike the obstacles of life, we are able to somewhat prepare for the unpredictability of weather. We can pack an umbrella around all year round but there is no way of obtaining the tools needed to overcome the obstacles prior to when the obstacles hit. This is most likely because we are given the tools right when we need them most, and not only are they supplied for us, we also are given the knowledge of how to use them.

On a final note, how would one declare happiness unless they had known the feeling of being without? There must exist an alternate, converse feeling to happiness that allows for the full appreciation of feelings that happiness brings. In my opinion, life envelopes a rhythm, a series of ups and downs, crests and troughs that enable you to see that once you’re really down, an upward slope is on its way. It is so that perhaps the never-ending desires for happiness are insatiable, but if we place our desires in things that are sure to bring happiness, a crest is sure to come soon.

"So I stand at these crossroads of highroads and low roads and I got a feeling its right"

A blank page

A clean slate

The roads are laid out

But which to take?

I just want to choose one

To embark, to set out

For that road to consume me

Engulf me, absorb me,

Me and my every emotion

Take me as a whole

With all my shortcomings

And all I have to give

It doesn’t have to be easy

Challenges are lessons

I just want to know

The minute I step foot

On its rocky inception

That its right for me

My Niche

***Your Birthdate: May 11***

Spiritual and thoughtful, you tend to take a step back from the world.
You're very sensitive to what's going on around you, yet you remain calm.
Although you are brilliant, it may take you a while to find your niche.
Your creativity is supreme, but it sometimes makes it hard for you to get things done.

Niche – (noun, adjective, verb) 1. A place or position suitable or appropriate for a person or thing, 2. The position or function of an organism in a community.

At what point in life are we supposed to find our “niche”? Is there only one niche for everyone and they are constantly wandering until they find it? Or do we have a niche for each time period of our lives? What if being a lonely wanderer is my niche for the moment, what if wandering is appropriate for me at this time even though it doesn’t bring me a lot of joy? If I float for long enough I have to eventually land somewhere, right? I am a believer that everything happens for a reason, so that should mean that wherever I happen to be floating at any given time is where I am supposed to be. Well it doesn’t feel like it sometimes. There are always the times when one feels out of place and disarranged, like when a strong wind blows a flying insect to somewhere that might not have been their destination. They don’t cry and whine and wonder “why me?”(although, perhaps if they had bigger, functioning brains they might) , they simply find the resources they need around them and develop a new niche, wherever that may be. Perhaps we could learn a thing or two from insects?

It’s been a long day, even though it’s only 3:30, with the miserable, wet, slushy weather. I look, in hope, to my near future when I will be heading to Panama and I realize that my niche of wandering might be more so one of waiting. So for now I wait until the wind blows me somewhere warmer.

When the going gets tough..

Well life isn’t at its all time high right now. I don’t have all that much to complain about yet I can’t seem to raise my spirits and I just cant figure out why. I lost much of my freedom as of late when my car broke down - Ruby whom I love and adore. I am now adapting to the public transportation lifestyle which is completely awful. It is huge to not be able to go where I want when I want and not only do I have to follow someone else’s schedule for when I want to go somewhere but I also have to do so while sometimes crammed up against many other people. All the while I’m trying desperately not to knock them out with my bag or to step on their children when the inertia from my body causes me to fly this way and that with every halt and lurch of the bus. Yes I have to stand, and did I mention its 7:13 in the morning?? Err.

Ok, so I’m bitter. So what can I do? Sure, I can complain about it till the end of time, but then I wonder what my fellow passengers would think if they were to hear me complaining this way. I doubt I would receive any pity from them. Life isn’t always about getting what you want, or getting to go where you want when you want. It’s about the path you take to get there, wherever you do end up, and the attitude you upheld along the way. It’s about looking at what you still have despite what’s been taken away. I may not have a car but I have working legs that get me to the bus stop where a bus takes me to school, where I learn how to be a psychologist. What better place to watch people then when you are surrounded by them on a bus? Does that sound creepy? Nonetheless, the life lesson here is that life doesn’t end because of something trivial like having to take the bus. There is so much more to focus on. And I’m sure there will be many more devastating occurrences like this one in the course of my lifetime (ok maybe this one is not so devastating) and I will be ready to take them head on, you know why? Because I learned to take the bus.

My Reply

"This is my reply, my pleading cry, a tattered page in the waves of eternity......... so take my words for what you will and try to understand..." - My Reply - Brightwood


For every unsaid word I want to say
There are a thousand voices forbidding
Every time the thoughts come in
A light inside is restricted
There are hundreds of scenarios in my head
I play over and over and over
I thought it would end but it never ends
Didn’t I just start over?
You’re not alone on the ride
These waves make me sea sick as well
I too question why
At this point I’m not one to tell
But I ride them along
Thinking this storm will blow over
Sometimes they're calm;
But then they get stronger and stronger
Hidden and locked up; jumbled inside
Are the feelings you’ve labeled as “hard”
They try to find their way out
And I do well to shut them back in
The day will come I’ll own up to all this
But, the lies will suffice until then...

Truth in the Heart

Why do we constantly lie to our hearts? We spend so much time convincing, persuading and forcing our hearts to believe things that aren’t true that we miss the truth entirely. Then, it is all the more earth-shattering to know that our hearts knew the truth all along, but kept quiet because we told it to. I can lie to my heart hundreds of times a day, “You don’t need that, you don’t believe that.” Do I need it? Do I believe it? Perhaps my rationalization is that I am protecting my heart by lying to it. If I tell it not to feel, it won’t feel and I won’t get hurt right? Wrong. The heart feels what it wants regardless of what you tell it to, it’s just a matter of how well you hide it, of how “proud” you can be, of how successful you are at silencing that of which lies inside you. Then all the lies pile up covering the heart like paper-mache, and it hardens, concealing it so that not only does the truth not come out but neither does our true self. We are so buried beneath it all that we fade away, until something happens that begins to pick away at the shell and cause it to crumble. It is only then you truly realize what has been there all along. You feel alive again, yet you are scared and you are vulnerable, and where there is vulnerability there is a need for protection and our default setting as humans is to protect by lying. So we begin to lie to our hearts once again, telling it the same things, telling it what not to feel. It is a vicious circle of deception, and while we aimlessly search for “truth”, we are bemused to find out it has been there all along; deep down inside the heart.