ode to mom~

I assume that every mother instills some form of lifelong aspirations upon her daughter, whether intentional or not. I can try to imagine that moment (and I say try because that moment feels as far away as my own birth) where upon looking at your new born child with a new found adoration, you feel that you could – and direly want to- mold their future right in front of you. You create a future brighter than your past, a future free of the things you had face, to endure. I feel my mother’s ordained future heavy upon me but not in a way that makes me feel like I am living a dream that belongs to her. It is more so that I am aware of the things she had long hoped for me and I merely embraced them. I recall at an early age, of her telling others I was going to university and I could picture myself there, in whatever mental scheme of “university” I was able to produce at the time. I still hear her almost pleading with me, during the many disputes of the wonderfully tumultuous time that is adolescence, to be confident - something she never was – and chastising me whenever I was a follower. She would then reminisce about when she had me; how she wanted me to grow to be an independent, strong, poised woman with her own ideas. This all sounds very palpable … but it is in knowing the insecurities of her past that I am able to see the sincerity of her hopes. I think of these things often and they have become no less a part of me than the blood in my veins. Minding her hopes has become a means of keeping myself accountable, and that in itself has evolved into the desire to continuously make her proud.

beauty in the breakdown

I am getting sad to leave. I was just thinking about how this kind of traveling not only brings experience and satisfies you in a way that you can’t even describe, but it instills in you a longing to further know the world and to really understand it. I long to see more of the world; to meet its people and learn of their ways. There is just something about being immersed in a culture so completely that you begin to see its beauty in ways you otherwise would not had you not the chance to look at it with a new set of eyes. It is so easy to just look at the way people dress in Canada and dismiss them as a certain type of people or stereotype them as a culture, whereas here, where you are the outcast, you begin seeing them as people and their individuality and beauty are striking in ways you might just have overlooked before.
This trip was well worth it; the experiences, lessons and people that I met were priceless and I will never forget this. I learned that I can go across the world by myself and adapt to the lifestyle and situations around me quite easily. I learned what it means to “live simply”. I learned more about the word “privilege”. I was reminded to focus on my main goals, to continue to do good, and to not lean on my own understanding. I was forced to step out of my comfort zone time and time again and try new things. I discovered new strengths and weaknesses in myself, and found some things to work on in the future. I learned to love greater and that I can easily love and be loved by others. I learned that I was designed to show mercy and to help, and where that will take me I don’t really know but I am excited to see what my next adventure is and whatever else is in store for my future. And finally, probably one of the hardest lessons to learn was that the things that break your heart and the things that bring you joy can very well be the same and that you really do need a little of one to truly appreciate the other. I have been so blessed to go where I have gone and experience what I have at my age. I have been blessed with my freedom, my affluence and by having many who love me and I learned that it is important to find balance in it all. I really hope these lessons stick with me as I got back to my life and that I don’t just get swept up into the wrath of materialism. There is just so much more out there in the world to engross yourself in that can enrich you, teach you, stretch you and challenge you; so many more things to see and learn and embrace.
I have gained a heart for the world and have hardly even seen a fraction, but I am so thankful for the experiences I have attained so far and know that this longing will only continue to grow on me and this is exciting, as I await the many other experiences my life will have to offer.

privilege

[What is Privilege?]

Is it knowledge, a pillow, or a dream?
A roof? A coin? A smile?
Could it be freedom, a car or a friend?
What about talent, a meal, or a pair of shoes?
Is it health? Is it insight? Is it ambition?
Could it be courage, or pity or fear?
Is it a heart that returns our love?
Is it trials that breed our strength?
Is it getting or is it giving?
Is it measurable at all?
Definable by any means?
Is it the same for any two people?
And who then sets the standard for the underprivileged and the rich?
In a country where families sit in parks or on street sides while the father pulls people around on his bike for 10 or 20 rupees a ride, where people shower under the dripping of pipes, where shoeless children roam and beg on the streets instead of going to school… it is not hard to reach this point of question. Had I really considered myself a little hard done by before coming here? Just because my parents don’t have much to give and I have to work hard for the things that I want? That seems like the most lavish of lifestyles after coming here. But who am I to consider myself privileged? If anything this trip has made me hate the word ‘underprivileged’, because in some ways these people are much more privileged than I. I come from my rich country with my name brand clothes and I consider myself more privileged than these people? These people are the epitome of what it means to “live simply”… really what do I have that they don’t? And especially the children… we feel we have to teach them self-confidence and sharing… but is it not our own anxieties and complexes passed down that hinders them so? A child develops their own view of beauty only to have it ripped away when society tells them what is beautiful. They develop trust only to lose it when we tell them what to fear. Maybe we need a lesson from the children. Even as I see the boys so eagerly share their food with each other, my instinct reaction would be to hold it away, to keep it for myself. These children have no desire to acquire resources, to possess. They are happy to simply have a meal and share… to live in the moment. I think back to the materialistic culture of my society… with such a race for possession of items and resources, and attachments to things that are “mine”. Does this not create a larger burden? To try and keep up with the race than to “live simply”… again I ask, who is more privileged?

show me what i'm looking for...

"The strength of the heart comes from the soundness of the faith" Saudi Arabian Proverb

“Save me, I’m lost”. Lately I feel like I jostle a lot between being lost and oblivious or well-planned and deliberate. I feel like I am heading in the right direction with this trip, with my life… but there is always doubt of whether or not I am making the best decisions for myself. “Show me what I’m looking for”. I thought of the perfect analogy for this as I navigated myself out of Edmonton today without getting lost for the first time: You are on an unfamiliar road and beginning to feel lost… you have gone too far to turn around now and the fear is beginning to rise, panic threatening your every sense. You look around helplessly for any indication of where you might have gone wrong… did you miss your turn? Offering up a prayer and searching the roadside for any indication that you are, in fact, heading in the right direction, your eyes finally fall upon a sign and relief sweeps through you as you realize that you haven’t missed your turn – you are exactly where you are supposed to be. “Oh Lord, I’ve been waiting for you” You smile, despite yourself, that you have found your way… I think we all end up at this place at one point or another. Where we constantly seek affirmations that we are on the right path, or even heading in the right direction… I have been battling that so much with this trip. I was so confident and when the panic began to rise a large part of me refused to turn back because I had already gone too far; a U-turn was out of the question at that point. “Don’t let go, I’ve wanted this far too long” so I kept on down this road… and I believe I have received many affirmations that I am heading in the right direction, yet I still seek with panic stricken eyes. “Mistakes become regrets”… this may explain why I seek, every part of me wants to believe that this trip will not be a mistake that I come to regret, that it will be a truly worthwhile experience. And I think that a large part of me does believe this but there is still the doubt. If I were to guess I would say the doubt is a result of my lack of faith. “I’ll pay any cost, just save me from being confused”. I just need to be willing to pay the “cost” of strengthening my faith so as to lessen the doubt and confusion. Sounds easy right?

-"Show me what i'm looking for" by Carolina Liar

we know its better this way

Leave it to the night
For the waves to start again
Leave it to the night
For the thoughts to invade my head
For the evening I’ve been fine
Thinking I handled well
Leave it to the night
To tell me I was wrong
Leave it to the night
To tell me what I should have said or done
A brief moment’s glance
Nervous laughter, and then it was gone
Leave it to the night
To remind me of all the things I wanted to say
But, in that fleeting moment, where were they?

resolution

Life does not capture things as vividly as I see them. The color, sharpness and luster of situations are lost in the calamity of life’s harsh reality. Instead, it comes across as looking bleak, dark and grey. Perhaps my acuity for detail is too fine in such a world where mundane details are overlooked. People skim over the understated details of life everyday, whereas I seem to dwell, constantly re-evaluating…Too much time is spent dwelling on those details that I have no control over, which inevitably causes me more pain than necessary. Control the things you can, forget the rest…“There’s a lot that I don’t know, there’s a lot that I’m still learning.” What I need to learn at this place and time is that all this anger and resentment is simply not useful. But how does one rid of something so consuming? With a simple turn of the cheek? A wave of the hand? “When I think I’m letting go, I find my body, it’s still burning” People say just ‘let it go, forget about it’ but, how do we just ‘let go’? Is there some internal ‘release’ button that I am unaware of? “And you hold me down, and you got me living in the past” I feel like I am being pinned down in this place where I’ve made this mess until I have learned my lesson. Perhaps because half of the anger I hold within me is with myself, myself and I need to battle it out before this process of ‘letting go’ can begin. However, this battle has already been going on for a while… I need to be forgiven and forgive myself and then progress can be made. “I’m alive, but I don’t need a witness to know that I survived.” All things considered, it’s not the end of the world. Life goes on. Right now I am half-bathed in light but the cold is creeping in. I need the light, I am lost without. “I just need light, a light in the dark as I search for a resolution”…

-"Resolution" by Jack's Mannequin

to betroth or not to betroth....

I have decided to give up my subconscious search for a prospective husband and agree to an arranged marriage. Well... perhaps I won’t go that far, but after thoughtful contemplation of theories and information learned in my relationships class concerning arranged marriages lately, I am beginning to think that the negative stigma such marriages have received in our society is falsely attributed. These cultures that have arranged marriages view our pathway to marriage as an impractical game or an unnecessary burden. We live in a society that has just recently begun viewing romance and passion as a condition to marriage, and it has only been a developing theme over the past 30-40 years. In history, people married for various other reasons such as economic, political, practical and family reasons, not because they were in love with each other. So what is it about these past 40 years that such a common view has been weaved throughout our society when it comes to choosing a life partner? Why do we base this decision on a fleeting passionate love? It has been proven through countless research that these “strong” passionate feelings do not last and decrease over time. Perhaps we should take another look at the value we place in this Hollywood view we seem to have of love and marriage, I mean, is it really practical to place our future happiness in the hands of a feeling that has no hold?
So perhaps I have been looking at this all wrong… I have been wandering around (indirectly) looking for my “soulmate”, the one that makes my heart skip a beat and all that cliché garbage. Sure, it feels nice at the time but perhaps I should be approaching this “search” that I am on in a more practical manner. Are my only options to start my marriage off with an empty love, short of intimacy and passion, and simply wait for the passion to build over time or to start with an intensely passionate and intimate relationship and wait for it to hollow out and become empty? If so, that’s an unfortunate decision placed in front of me.
I think that growing up in this love-crazed society has caused us all to go into relationships and even get married purely based on this romantic passionate love that we all long for so much. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing I just think that a lot of people don’t expect these feelings to diminish and when they do they feel there is nothing they can do to get the “magic” back and decide to get divorced and thus go find someone who can ignite these intense feelings of passion once again. It isn’t enough to say that people don’t work hard enough on their marriages before permitting them to fail, but perhaps everyone should receive some kind of warning prior to marriage: Your passionate I-can’t-live-without-you love will not last, but if you work hard enough at your marriage from the beginning in full preparation for the day that you aren’t as passionately aroused by your partner as you once were… then maybe marriage isn’t as hopeless as we all think… Hmm, no, let’s be serious, people are stubborn and ridiculous and will probably forever hold on to the idea that love conquers all. I, however, have taken on a new view of relationships from this class slash thought process, and put thought into how much value I place in finding that all- consuming love once again. I had never considered myself much of a practical person before but perhaps its time for some change…